Archives for category: tickles

and, when i finally thought i heard ’em all, the times hit me with a “new term of art”, which translates to bullshit covered in pink margarine icing.  apparently a piece of fuselage was torn off from a southwestern airlines 737 in midflight today.  any frequent flyer knows southwest flies some of the shittiest planes on this side of the greenwich meridian approved by the FAA, so it is not surprising at all.  when you buy a plane which has already been bastardized by whoever flew it for a few decades nonstop, and then fly it from omaha to reno roundtrip non-stop for a few more decades, it starts falling apart.  but, apparently, southwest has a new term of art for “our plane is an old, old piece of shit that is being held together at the wings by some spit, a few mouthfuls of chewed off wrigley’s tutti frutti and tons of hail mary’s”: they call it “aircraft skin fatigue“!

“aircraft skin fatigue”?  really?  this is a good one…  the PR industry has finally written off the collective intelligence of the american people.  granted, we are having a reverse evolution and good ole americans are stupider than before but convincing them “aircraft skin fatigue” is different than “our planes are worthless pieces of shit”?  now that is bold..  thought calling “rebels” or “freedom fighters” “insurgents” was as far as they could’ve pushed the underestimation of the collective intelligence but this is a new low.  kudos southwest PR drones!

…of the manhattan grid plan– when a ruler and 90 degree angles were applied on the map of manhattan, disregarding any and all topography, laying the foundation of the city we love (and sometimes hate) today.  times published a great article and an interactive map today; it is worth reading…  they quoted rem koolhaas, who defended the grid by exclaiming that it created “undreamed-of freedom for three-dimensional anarchy”– i think the most apt way to describe the impact of the grid.  read the article, check out the map, and enjoy the below picture copied from the article– it is a northernly look on 2nd avenue from 42nd street from 1861– see if you can recognize 2nd avenue– on the left side there stands the pfizer building now and on the right side is the ford foundation and mcfadden’s:

…the memphis sound mr. bobby blue bland turned 81 today with a big birthday bash/ show scheduled at the bb king’s NYC for tonight…  screw al green and his ilk– mr. brown, you’re the real deal and the last man standing of the memphis sound.  here is mr. brown covering one of the great blues traditionals– happy birthday sir!

….we salute you!  you with your cryptic notebook, shedding light to the secrets of the universe and the physics of our doggone society, with your leather lenin cap, smart glasses, logger shirt, camo pants and snakebite boots, you’re the king of the subway, tompkins square park benches (weather permitting), and the surrounding east village coffee shops, wearing your mystique like a charm, holding court to knowingly smiling and more than willing pseudo artist hipster girls…  i salute you the david foster wallace of the R train– now finish your to-do list and get the fuck out of my sight…

…memphians are at it again– this time we have my boy bruce tuck– a convicted serial rapist.  now, rape is no laughing matter.  however, his appeal is one for the ages.  that glorified tabloid commercial appeal reports:

“Tuck, a former Memphian who has pending rape charges here, claimed his lawyer did not properly represent him and that jailers there kept him on a lettuce diet until he agreed to confess in exchange for potato chips and a soft drink.” [emphasis added]

apparently my boy tuck signed away his freedom for a bag of ruffles and a can of coke.  claims that the jailers put him in an involuntary fat camp.  this story is a real jewel, read it.  i would love to see what will happen in the following appeal.  while you’re at it, check his mugshot as well:

he really has that “my freedom for a bag of ruffles” look, doesn’t he?  oh, also, the last twist is my boy tuck was a former jailer himself…  so he should know about west tennessee jailers and their fat camp methods…

…is on the subway…  screw the overcrowded and overpriced clubs, bars and restaurants.  every poser is out there, elbowing up to the bar, forcing himself/ herself to have fun.  and there is really no fun out there.  fun in NYC is a good thursday night off the beaten path, not in new year’s eve.  unless you spend the night roaming around in the subway– that’s where the fun is..

of course if you have a week stomach or a weaker constitution this is not for you.  however, if you can stomach it, the new year’s eve drama of the subways is next to none.  the drunks, from puking frat boys to the homeless the said frat boys are feeding booze to and encouraging to dance and sing; from the drunk girls with tits hanging out and heels in hand, craving attention from their bonked out dates to the mexican busboys mesmerized by the said tits and daydreaming after a 14 hour shift; from the ranting hipsters whining about how commercialized new year’s eve is, clad in their ironic tuxedos, accentuated with their grizzly adams beards and amelie wannabe performance artist girlfriends who have no talent whatsoever to back their aspirations up save their overinflated egos (or their overinflated lack of self-worth, which, at the end of the day, has the same boisterous effect), to drag queens subwaying it out to the next episode, it is the real party…

new year’s resolution 2011– spend the next new year’s eve on the subway and subway alone… Read the rest of this entry »

…times just reported the virgin of wisconsin in a brilliantly captioned article: “Wisconsin on the Map to Pray With Mary” (caps are theirs, ain’t mine)….  “wisconsin on the map to pray with mary”?  times, really?

turns out it is another catholic roadside attraction.  vatican builds and validates ’em as often as broke countries print money…

with the currency of catholicism at an all time low, thanks to child molestation scandals, a shady, shady pope, technology and science it cannot keep up with- and no longer can deny, and a western hemisphere population getting smarter and better educated, therefore less believing by the second, vatican of course turned to the third world, especially africa and south america, where the population is still desperate, and unfortunately not educated enough to believe unconditionally and unquestionably…

the vatican, in addition to the third-world, also turned to the good old US of A– interestingly, ours is the only developed country in the world where the number of believers and the strength of religion is increasing.   it is not mind boggling at all– actually it makes perfect sense: religions’ breeding grounds are pain, suffering, desperation, isolation and depression.   no one turns to JC or any other super hero because of their happiness– they turn to them because of their misery.

of course the good ole US of A is a wonderful breeding ground for any religious virus– with our collective discontent, depression, meaningless & isolated lives, most americans hit the bible as often as they hit their prozac bottles, trying to make sense of it all.  pity, actually…

read the article– about the shrine, the hovering blonde, surrounded in light, above the trees, pilgrimages and group prayers, the love offerings and self-sacrifice: reads no different than pagan rituals.  of course there is no human sacrifice, etc, but is there much difference?  what makes nigerian voodoo priests boiling and eating severed penises for strength any different?  or sticking pins in a doll instead of lighting candles and building shrines?  or casting spells instead of reciting 25 hail mary’s..  the only difference is one is legitimate and widespread, hence accepted, the other is an exception and a rarity, hence shunned as occult.  if you look at its essence, it is the same shit…

if you read, in the times, about a sect in papua new guinea who is worshipping a tree and sacrificing animals for it, you would shrug them off as a cult of indigents who doesn’t know any better.  or as pagans.  or as whatever.  but what is the difference between them and hordes of catholics pilgrimaging up to wisconsin with the hopes of seeing a blonde circled in light hovering over a tree?

speaking about mary- actually kudos to the catholic church for recruiting and milking her like a hacked credit card.  they were eons away from the madison avenue and apple company in reaching a female demographic.  like apple making technology sexy and appealing for female consumers, catholic church made religion appealing to female consumers with mary.  long before the terms demographics and target audience entered our lexicon.

protestants tried (and still try) with a sexy and loving JC.  but mary– that was the mastercard’s priceless campaign for the middle ages.  all women can relate to mary.  all women would want to build shrines to mary.  instead of some dude.

granted, it was not an original idea of the catholic church– ancient religions had hera.  when gods became male, they had to recruit female audiences with strong female models– hence the mother goddess, kybele, sibelius, whatever you may call her, became the wife of zeus.  an old targeted marketing trick from way back.  but the catholics took it to a whole different level by pushing mary.  what can i say, congratulations…

december 25– happy birthday mithras! mithras, also known as mithra, was a pagan god, born on december 25th, to save the world from evil.  his teachings were based in duality– competing forces of good and evil.  the chess game of god and devil.  heaven and hell.  his was a “virgin birth”, he offered salvation through him to his followers and his day of celebration and worship was sunday.  sounds familiar?

because his was a hugely influential religion, when christianity was being written/ created, many of the mithraic traditions were appropriated and mithras’ name was changed into jesus of nazereth.  same guy, same myth, different name…  so happy birthday mithras– at least you’re the more ancient, hence senior, myth/ legend…

at the end of the day it is all myths, legends, and assorted bullshit…  but, it tickles me to follow the evolution of traditions and here is the tradition behind christmas folks.  of course there is a huge body of writing against this but that is only natural:  now we’re venturing into the circle jerk territory by iterating the obvious truth but it is absolutely necessary: only believers are, by their very definition, insecure in their beliefs.  the more diehard they’re in their beliefs, the more insecure they’ll be.  if you are not obsessed by a “belief”, you can discuss it rationally and revise or thrash it as necessary.  however, if you’re obsessed with a belief, like any “true believer”, then every word, may it be fact or opinion, is a threat to your belief and must be defended against rigorously, without any rhyme or reason.  that is what happened to mihtras and that is how the story behind this myth and his importance was marginalized and bastardized.

of course, the funny thing is, it was just a myth, just like JC, mosey moses, noah & his boys, the talking snake and the sparerib which begat eve…  but, when you build your entire life and justify your entire existence on a 1800 year old myth, which, any child can tear to pieces intellectually, of course any other competing myth, or any myth that may have begat your myth, is a serious threat and must be attacked viciously.

anyhow, all i wanted to say was “happy birthday mithras!”– december 25th and this silly tradition of christmas and worshipping on sundays and eternal salvation was your shtick but it was appropriated from you.   i would have said “sorry”, but, actually, i don’t give a flying fuck– it is the same tired story of salvation with different names and slightly different legends.  sorry mr. l. cohen but “let us compare mythologies” ain’t any different than let’s compare the size of our dicks…  same organ, same function, different colors and shapes– just like mythologies/ religions– same core beliefs, same function, different myths and rituals– that’s all…

…reminded me of the opening shot of “touch of evil“– this ain’t a rant– no point being made here– just a gratuitous link to probably the best and most influential opening shot ever.  along with “citizen kane” and “F for Fake”, proving what a cinematic genius welles was…

finally watched banksy’sexit through the gift shop”  last night.  won’t say much about it– would be preaching to the choir–hence yet another circle jerk.  all needs to be said is it is great.  a keen observation of the modern art world/ market.  where anything and everything will sell to a wall street knucklehead provided it comes with the right story and inflated praise…

it is one big con, really.  which brought me back to orson welles and i just had to re-watch “F for Fake” with the beautiful oja kodar.   “gift show” and “F” are really the same film.  at least they have the same message– the art market is nothing but a big con, a giant hoax.  especially when it comes to “modern art”.

of course when it comes to production value, originality and artistic merit, there really is no competition here: “F for Fake” was eons ahead of the “gift shop”– “gift shop” was a great story adequately executed.  kudos to banksy for a strong first film.  but, “F” is by the guy whose first film happens to be “citizen kane”…  “F” is a masterpiece of editing.  sorry for preaching to the choir here but it really is– its rapid pace and intercuts, seen in film for the first time in “F” in 1974, is what we know as TV reporting/ MTV style editing today.  what we take for granted today, and what feeds our short attention spans, was created by welles, all the way back in 1974, in “F for Fake”.  if you haven’t seen it, run to the video store…

here is a link to the first 10 minutes or so:

and here is another to the original trailer– the trailer’s quality is not even close to the film but gives a great glimpse into the film and welles’ genius:

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