Archives for category: circle jerk

today our christian friends are celebrating the birth of their lord, the demi-god jesus.  a fictional and mythical figure who happens to share the birthdate of another mythical figure before him, mithras, who is no stranger to those of us who grew up with “conan the barbarian”… apparently because both jesus and mithras are capricorns, their mythologies and mythical arcs are extremely similar, as i explained in this blog about a year ago

the only jesus whose existence i can truly attest to is a mexican barback i know in brooklyn…  born in guadalajara (or was it colima?), and definitely not a capricorn, he is truly a wise man, like his fictional namesake…

he essentially embodies all the collective wisdom of mexican barbacks in one tiny and wiry body.  ask him about any of your woes, from the shiner you had two tequila shots ago, thanks to the misunderstanding (or was it miscommunication?) you had with the over-excited frat boys flooding brooklyn bars these days, to the hangover you’re sure you’ll have the next morning or your performance anxiety (thanks to the said tequila shots’ negative effect on the physical manifestation of your drunk libido) with the honey (who is sure to feel like tabasco the next afternoon when you wake up next to her snoring ass) you just met and told that you have ten finished manuscripts and are a misunderstood genius with daddy issues, he has the solution: “caldo de pollo, man.  it is good for you.  mucho cilantro, si?”…

the jesus i know is also known to deal in a little weed and colombian marching powder on the side, but i cannot personally attest to this rumor…  but, at least, he is also known to get you high and alter your mind like his mythical and fictional namesake before him…  since they’re not both capricorns, the reason of the similarity must be in their mutual name…

disclaimer for my loved ones: naturally i am reporting the wisdom i overheard jesus the mexican barback dispose to other patrons, not me…

getting back to the point, since it is the birthday of the mythical jesus (the new and improved version of mithras), i thought it is high time i explained his underlying myth to my readers.  there is already a “christianity for dummies” written thousands of years ago for the believers– it is called “the bible”…  i thought i should type away something for the rest of us…

“the bible”, as we should all know, is actually two separate books, written a couple of thousand years apart– the old testament, aka the hebrew bible, apparently mostly penned by mosey moses (though, according to revisionist religious scholarship, is written many centuries after mosey moses kicked the bucket), and its sequel, “the new testament” or “the new covenant”, written at least a thousand years later, based on the testimonies about the lives and times of jesus christ of nazareth (“JC” hereinafter, the mythical demi-deity whose birthday our christian friends are celebrating today), allegedly narrated by a select group of his apostles (from greek apóstolos, meaning “one who is sent away”, or in modern terms “groupies” or “fanboys”), who died a few hundred years before their narratives were penned down by unknown scribes…

collectively, these two books are known as the “christian bible”, whereas the first installment is also known as the “hebrew bible”, the users’ manual of judaism…

naturally, despite the fond belief of many american christians that jesus and his groupies spoke fluent english, the first installment was written in hebrew and the sequel in greek…  the english version is a loose (and very political) translation made in the time of a certain english monarch named king james I.  hence it is known as the “authorized king james version/ bible” (hereinafter “KJV”)…

king james, of course, to make sure his subjects did not get any stupid ideas, made sure the translation conformed to the teachings of the church of england with an absolute respect to the monarchy.  and most modern christians are stuck with his “authorized” version…

at this juncture, i think it is essential that we define what a christian is: throughout most of the world, christianity consists of three major sub-groups: catholics, protestants and orthodoxes with many other spin-off groups and cells…  throughout most of the the good ole US of A, catholics and orthodox folks are not considered “christians”– catholicism and the orthodox church are considered to be separate religions…   if you ask any good american christian, they’ll say only protestants are true christians…  it is a very american thing…

the main distinction between the protestants and the catholics come from mary, the biblical momma of JC, not to be confused with mary magdalene, the infamous escort (or “call-girl” for the lack of a more appropriate term) of galilee, or the original groupie, JC’s lady friend.  catholics and the orthodox see mary the momma as a demi-deity whereas the protestants wouldn’t have none of that feminist shit: mary was only the momma, nothing more, nothing less…

it is ironic to note that the mary worshippers, as known to many american protestants, happen to be the most macho and chauvinistic of all christian sub-groups, evident with their high concentration in italy, spain and most of central and south america.  whereas, the protestants, aka “mary deniers”, are a much, much less macho culture with highly respected evolved sensibilities, as is apparent in most of the protestant world, from the good ole US of A to the simply ole England– go figure…

anyways, the whole backstory of JC and his group is explained in the old testament, from our creation to our fall, and the life and times of JC in the new testament.  so let’s get back to the bible…

a caveat though– the bible is a filthy pornographic book.  it includes many perverse adult situations as well as assorted pedophilia and  bestiality.   therefore, taking a cue from king james’ translators, we will use gentler terms more appropriate for this blog while trying to shed light to this filthy book of perversion.  hence, we will use the below “approved” biblical glossary.


knew: fucked

known: fucked

lay: fucked

laid: fucked

flesh: dick, or pussy, depending on the context

nakedness: dick

begat: procreated, or had offspring

just replace the biblical term with its modern equivalent and you’ll get the picture.  for instance, when you see “know”, just replace it with “fuck”– as in “men know livestock and wild animals like fervent bunnies”…

so, according to ole mosey moses, everything starts with genesis, the first book of the hebrew bible, which both the fundamental christians and jews take at face value (the same cannot be said for all chapters of the hebrew bible– christians like to pick and choose what they like from the rest of the book– a good case to point is the leviticus, with all that silly pork and shellfish stuff)…

genesis loosely goes like this:

1. roughly about 4,000 years ago, yahweh, the deity of judaism and christianity, creates the world and the universe we know in 6 days, and then rests on the 7th– which is the sabbath– depending on your allegiance, it may fall on friday, saturday or sunday, the good ole day of rest;

2. yahweh then gets lonely and creates the “man” from dust to dick around with and calls him “adam”;

3. designs adam as a completely loyal buddy with no freewill or anything, the perfect pet;

4. seeing adam, his loyal pet, is lonely, puts him to sleep, surgically removes one of his ribs while he is under, and creates a lady friend for him from this sparerib– the lady friend is named “eve”;

5. yahweh of course, requires complete loyalty from eve as well, so he reiterates his orders– “do not eat from the tree of knowledge, you may get some silly ideas”– hence the modern term “heaven forbid”;

6. the two pets, naked as jaybirds, know each other like fervent bunnies in the garden of eden and name their first litter cain and abel;

7. in the interim, a talking and walking snake enters the story and dupes eve to eat from the forbidden tree of knowledge, who, in return, has her husband adam eat the forbidden fruit as well;

8. yahweh is pissed off big time– his pets start getting ideas– so he banishes them from heaven, curses eve to bear children in pain, to desire her husband adam, and to be ruled by her husband- creating the central casting version of the obedient and submissive wife;

9. yahweh is not easy on the talking walking snake as well– he curses the snake to crawl on his belly from this point on and to eat dirt and to live as the enemy of humans– this is why snakes bite and poison us;

10. adam and eve continue knowing each other like fervent bunnies– they begat and begat like there is no tomorrow;

11. yahweh also takes on fashion design at this point, figuring out he should not banish his once-loyal pets naked– not impressed with the fig leaves eve fashioned for adam and her, yahweh creates a new fabulous clothing line for them;

12. cain becomes a farmer and abel a shepherd– but yahweh plays favorites with abel, liking his offspring more than his brother’s, which makes cain jealous, and he promptly kills abel and, yes, you guessed it, is cursed by yahweh– this time to wander around and be an unsuccessful farmer;

13. the first family, adam, eve and their offspring, all live around 900 years or so each, and begat many an offspring, knowing one and each other like fervent bunnies;

14. here, the story gets a little murky– adam and eve begat cain, abel and later seth and many other offspring, who in return begat tons of offspring– but who they copulate with is a little murky– the only logical answer is hardcore incest– the male offspring either had to know their mother (hence the original mofo’s) and their female siblings;

15. so we come from this incestuous first family, who knew each other fervently like bunnies many times over;

16. their numbers multiply and they become unruly– when their siblings and mothers are not enough, they know, known, knew, lay and laid livestock and other wild animals fervently like bunnies and engage in other perversions;

17. yahweh tries to establish order through many messengers, curses and fierce violence– killing and maiming tons, etc;

18. when yahweh figures out order is hopeless and that he fucked up the first batch, he decides to kill ’em all and tells his loyal servant noah to build an ark to save the righteous ones and enters into a eternally binding contract with noah & co, learning from his mistakes of the past, not having contracts with his creations before– this is the first covenant;

19. noah, with his sons shem, ham and jaspeth takes on the task with diligence– they build an ark of 137 meters length, a width of 23 meters and a height of 14 meters and they place one single window for clean air on the top of their vessel, roughly about 1 meter by 1 meter– the ark is much smaller than many russian oligarchs’ yachts;

20. then, on yahweh’s instructions, noah and his sons stuff in 7 pairs of all clean animals (including birds) and one pair of unclean animals into their tidy ark– naturally they don’t need to bother with fish, but i guess noah & sons had to cut a few corners given the size of the ark and that is probably why the dinosaurs and mammoths vanished;

21. then it rains for 40 days and 40 nights, flooding the world, killing everything and everyone, other than those on the ark (and the fish);

22. noah & family, as well as the animals they stuffed into their ark, cruise for at least 150 days, and they finally reach dry earth on mount ararat– that ark must have been really stuffy with hundreds of thousand animals and one tiny window for fresh air, but they somehow survive;

23. yahweh is pleased with his work and blesses noah & sons to be fertile and increase like bunnies– so, taking a cue from adam and eve before them, they start knowing one and other incestuously like fervent bunnies;

24. but then ham goes and fucks it all up– one day noah gets drunk on wine and passes out– at that time he is hundreds of years old– while he is passed out, his nakedness springs out off his clothes like a jack-in-the-box– religious scholars are still debating whether the nakedness was erect or flaccid, but that is besides the point– ham stares at his father’s nakedness and tells his brothers– “hey, dad’s nakedness is hanging out”– shem and jaspeth cover their dad’s dick up, not making eye contact with his flaccid (or erect) nakedness;

25. but ham, because he stared at his father’s nakedness, is cursed indirectly by noah–  noah prays to yahweh that ham’s son canaan is to become the lowest of slaves to japheth and shem, and jaspeth to become larger– i am at a loss with “larger” here, but am guessing jaspeth’s nakedness was not as big as his papa and his brothers’ nakednesses, so noah asked yahweh to make jaspeth’s nakedness larger;

26. yahweh accepts noah’s curse and makes canaan’s offspring the slaves of his uncles shem and jaspeth;

27. canaan moves to africa and his offspring become the africans– hence the religious justification for black slavery (of course whoever wrote the hebrew bible was not much traveled and knowledgeable– he simply ignored to explain the rainbow of other races like brown, yellow, red and french– knowledge and an inquisitive mind is never the strong suit of believers);

28. the noah family reproduces like fervent bunnies with each other, begat tons of offspring and the offspring becomes unruly once again– knowing their children, their mothers and fathers, other same-gender offspring, assorted livestock and wild animals and are punished multiple times by yahweh through unbelievable viciousness, violence and torture, completely destroying city after city, annihilating people after people– the bible is very explicit about the mischief humans engage in– a sample list is as follows:

a. man know women, including the wives of other men, their mothers, sisters, daughters, etc like fervent bunnies;

b. man know other man like fervent bunnies;

c. women know other women like fervent bunnies;

d. men know children, including their own daughters and sons, like fervent bunnies;

e. women know children, including their own daughters and sons, like fervent bunnies;

f. women know livestock and wild animals like fervent bunnies;

g. men know livestock and wild animals like fervent bunnies;

h. brothers and sisters know each other like fervent bunnies;

i. men and women begat and begat litters of illegitimate offspring; etc, etc…

29. once again realizing he fucked up, yahweh enters into another covenant with mosey moses and his people, declaring them his chosen people, and sends the 10 commandments, resulting in thousands of years of persecution of his chosen people;

30. rest of the old testament is an explanation of this covenant and how one should act to protect himself from the wrath of yahweh…

this pretty much concludes our synopsis of the old testament. and now we move on to the new testament, as reported by JC’s groupies and fanboys centuries after their death:

31. about a few millennia later, yahweh realizes he fucked up once again– seeing how his creations have resumed knowing their children, their mothers and fathers, other same-gender offspring, assorted livestock and wild animals.  so, he sends his only son JC to earth to restore order;

32. because it would be suspicious to send JC to earth as a grown man, yahweh knows mary the momma in her sleep, living her virginity intact, and JC is born on december 25, 0000 through immaculate conception;

33. JC lives only 33 years, a short lifespan compared to the old testament figures (i guess the story had to be made more believable in the comparatively modern times of the new testament scribes);

34. JC starts off with judaism as a rabbi, but is then baptized by a schizophrenic aptly named john the baptist and starts preaching his dad’s true teachings;

35. JC attracts lots of groupies and fanboys, including mary magdalene, the escort of galilee, and matthew, mark, john, judas iscariot, etc, and performs many a miracle like walking on water and healing the dead;

36. JC becomes sort of a rock star in galilee and the romans and hebrews don’t like it so they decide to kill him and end his shenanigans;

37. JC’s fanboy judas iscariot the redhead snitches on him to the romans– therefore the redheads get a bad rap for centuries to come and are persecuted everywhere throughout history;

38. before he is arrested by the romans, JC throws a dinner party and instructs his fanboys to eat bread as his flesh and drink wine as his blood;

39. the morning after the dinner party, presumably with a hangover that could have been easily cured by jesus the mexican barbacks caldo de pollo with mucho cilantro, JC is arrested, tortured and crucified;

40. suffering on his crucifix, JC rightfully asks his daddy yahweh “why he had forsaken him” and left him to die torturously; and, despite his miraculous powers such as healing the dead and walking on water, he simply cannot free himself from his predicament;

41. eventually he dies on the crucifix, is taken down by his groupies and placed in a cave and three days later his cadaver comes back to life, or is resurrected, and then he says he’ll come back 2,000 years later and vanishes off to the sunset, whistling besame mucho (or, according to dan brown, he vanishes off to the sunset with mary magdalene, the escort of galilee, whistling besame mucho, and relocate in southern france, presumably starting a family and a bakery, living happily ever after);

42. his groupies and fanboys spread all around the world, telling tall tales and testifying of JC’s exemplary life and miracles, recruiting more christians;

43. most of the said fanboys and groupies end up in violent deaths, and judas iscariot the redhead hangs himself in shame;

44. hundreds of years after the groupies are dead, a group of anonymous scribes record their testimonies, finishing the first draft of the new testament and polishing up JC’s story; and

45. according to this new testament, today, december 25, which also happens to be mithras’ birthday, is JC’s birthday, and his crucifixion is celebrated by a christian festival called easter, which happens to have similar traditions and falls on the same dates as the jewish passover…

this, boys and girls, is the story of our creation according to judaism and christianity, and the life and times of jesus of nazareth, the myth (not to be confused with jesus the mexican barback of brooklyn)…

islam, on the other hand, repeats most of this myth, including the JC story.  but argues that yahweh fucked up once more with JC and JC was not a true god, but only a messenger, and mohammed is the last messenger sent to clean up yahweh’s mess…

so, most of monotheist teachings agree on creation and the first 3,000 years.  of course, it never made sense to call christianity, may it be the protestant, catholic or orthodox churches, monotheist– especially the protestants, who see JC as god, or the lord.  mono, after all, means “singular”…  seems to me there are way too many swinging dicks up in the christian heaven to qualify it as monotheist.

i don’t know about you, but this creation story is slightly less acceptable to me then the theory of evolution that our religious friends dismiss as hogwash…  they find it easier to believe that man is created from dust, the sparerib and the talking/ walking snake theory that expediently created us 4,000 quick years ago than the scientific evolution theory, that took billions of years to happen…

but who am i to argue?  you simply can’t argue with a believer.  after all, “god moves in mysterious ways” is enough of an explanation for ’em no matter how implausible the story is…

let them believe that god created the entire infinite universe only for life on earth, not even a tiny spec of dust in the bigger scheme of things, and the universe and earth is only 4,000 years old.

let them also believe that they come from the incestuous fucking of adam, eve and their offspring…  though this one is a little hard to swallow for our religious friends as well– most would find it scandalous and shameful if you approach them with the literal reading of the genesis– instead they prefer to buy into revisionist religious doctrine to explain the incest– wherein yahweh created many other unrelated females for adam and his male offspring to fuck.   it is funny how they take some parts on face value and revise others as it suits them.  but, that there is belief for you….

thanks to the old testament, we also know how the dinosaurs became extinct or how the people separated into different races and colors.  of course whoever wrote the hebrew bible was not much traveled and knowledgeable– he focused only on white and black, explaining the black race and their justified slavery through ham committing the mortal sin of his staring at his dad’s flaccid (or erect– the jury is still out on that one) dick.  he simply ignored to explain the rainbow of other races like brown, yellow, red and french– knowledge and an inquisitive mind is never the strong suit of believers.

i always suspected that this “oops, we forgot about all the other races and people” part was one of the primary reasons why christians promptly destroyed any non-christian knowledge they can find after their conversion, including the burning of the library of alexandria.  by destroying historical human knowledge, they protected their version of history and creation…

and, of course, they believe that the talking/ walking snake, who is cursed to crawl and eat dirt, was the devil- mr. lucifer himself.  they believe he planted seeds of doubt (and inquisition) in the minds of adam and eve, and continue to do so, by tempting us to freethinking and ideas…  an inquisitive and free mind simply won’t stand with believers…

of course there are alternative theories on how lucifer, or the talking/ walking snake, operates.  my favorite, and the most logical explanation of religious doctrine, comes from the manicheans.  you see, the manicheans, and many other similar groups, believed that god created everything.  but they did not believe in a wrathful, capricious god who wanted to be worshipped and praised every second.  they also believed that the creator did not need to send its creations, ie. the humans, life’s users’ manuals and messengers to explain them how they should live their lives righteously.

they believe, instead, the devil, to corrupt god’s creations and diverge them from the true path, gave them religions..  they believed the religions are evil and distract people from godliness and righteousness.  they believe religions sow the seeds of hate in humans and we have thousands of history to back this theory up: would the inquisitions, the holocaust, 9/11, the crusades, and anti-semitism happened if there was no religion?  the answer is obvious.  ergo, religions must be the work of the devil.

many, naturally, were burned on the stake or persecuted because of this logical theory.  last major persecution because of this theory was salman rushdie’s because of “satanic verses”: a book explaining islam in manicheans terms…

manichaeism, if one believes in a creator, makes perfect sense: instead of a creator who constantly fucks up and has to go back to the drawing board each time, it establishes a very logical alternate theory with a cool and confident creator and an evil nemesis who knows the humans’ weaknesses all too well…  the god of monotheistic religions, after all, is extremely insecure, capricious and jealous…   yahweh of the bible simply does not fit in to the job description of an almighty creator…

that is if you believe in a creator of course.  if you don’t, then no need for justification…  if you’re an atheist or an agnostic, you are already at peace with yourself and a better and more moral person by definition…

there is, of course, a very good philosophical case to be made for being an agnostic.  after all, it is next to impossible to prove the existence of a negative– ie. a creator does not exist.  but, it is very easy to philosophically (and logically) explain why all religions are prime, unadulterated bullshit..  hence, being an agnostic is a logically more educated choice than being an atheist…

but, no matter how you slice and dice it, being an agnostic or an atheist makes you a better, more moral person– you’re not corrupted by the filth and perversions of the bible and you don’t find justification for your hate in its pages and the teachings of its messengers.  the only hateful people i know are hardcore believers.  and don’t give me the bullshit about hitler being an atheist– he simply wasn’t..  if you want to send the invoice for his actions, send it to roman catholics…

so, there we go boys and girls– here is the christmas special, explaining the myth of creation and the life and times of JC…

this being christmas and all, we naturally focused on christianity.  besides, it is the only safe religion to poke fun at in our politically correct age.  any criticism of judaism, in our day and age, is labeled anti-semitism and you can only criticize islam when it comes to jihad– otherwise it is not PC, especially among the modern day “freethinkers” and “liberals”– it is so sad that the flags of freethinking and liberalism are carried by modern thought nazis in this day and age.   fortunately christianity is still safe to fuck with though– like rednecks…  everything else is off-limits subject to very narrow exceptions…

what did we learn today?  we learned about men’s creation from dust, women’s creation from the man’s sparerib, the talking/ walking snake and noah’s dick.  we also shed light on the extinction of dinosaurs.  now we should be clearer about the roots and doctrines of christianity and be armed with a decent synopsis of the bible.

of course there are good morals in the bible.  but those are natural morals– inherit in humanity, hardwired to our moral compasses.  like jefferson before us, with his famous bible, we don’t need to swallow pages and pages of bullshit to learn the morals.

and, if you find the bible to be a hard and intolerable read with revolting perversions, i suggest, as an alternative, “one hundred years of solitude” by marques– it is a better book of genesis, with jose arcadio buendia cast as adam, ursula as eve, and macondo as the “earth” where they are banished to.  there is also a flood.  trust me, it makes more sense than the bible’s version of genesis.

anyways, this concludes our christmas special for 2011.  if the world doesn’t end in december 2012 as mayans concluded, we will pick up where we left from next christmas.

hope you enjoyed it…

…further explanation from what i gather– received a few questions and seen more than a few raised eyebrows when the category presents itself.  this is not a blog about dudes gathering in a circle and jerking one another off.  i am sure connoisseurs of such activities can find what they’re looking for elsewhere on this world wide net of ours but this blog ain’t it.  “circle jerk” is utilized purely as an analogy.

the analogy is this: the way i see it, most discussions in the left/ liberal blogosphere  are akin to circle jerks.  it is as simple as that.

or the blabbers of teenage girls.  which, at the end of the day, is yet another circle jerk.

ashley, amy and meg are hanging out in meg’s room one tuesday after school.  they’re braiding each other’s hair, shuffling through the pages of meg’s mom’s cosmopolitan, painting smiley faces on their toenails, pumping justin bieber on the boombox and having this fine conversation:

-oh my god, isn’t justin so hot…

-oh…….god, he really is..  reminds me of josh johnson.  he is soo hot..

-oh my god, josh is like such a dork..

-no he so is not.  he is hot.  don’t be a bitch.

-he is alright i guess but he is not josh campbell.  oh my god, josh campbell, i would soo jump him. like right now.

-oh my god, you know josh is taking ashley johnson to the prom?

-no, the cheerleader?

-um, no, josh johnson’s sister ashley.  you know, like with all that henna..

-oh my god, she is such a slut.

-guys, have you like seen the thong she was wearing today.

-oh my god, that was soo lame.

-oh my god, you won’t believe this: i was sitting right behind pete strickland in ms. klein’s class.  pete was like staring at her thong for like 10 hours..

-eww, he is so gross..  but, um, what you think about the cashmere sweater ms. klein had on today?  it was like tight..

-i mean, bitch, you’re like large or at least like medium.  hide those boobs, gross..

continues like this with giggles, ewws, grosses, and oh my gods sprinkled carelessly for good measure until all are satiated and can go home and stomach their gross parents..  that, my friends, is a circle jerk…

now, for the sake of the argument, let’s change ashley, amy and meg into stefan, richard and helen:

stefan is an african history professor, a self proclaimed atheist and a card carrying trotskyist vegetarian; richard does outreach coordination for a civil liberties organization, is an extremely secular reform jew and a meditating locavore, he and his partner sam are founders of their neighborhood co-op;    helen is a research associate at a non-profit dedicated to latinos struggling with HIV, volunteers as a rehabilitative art teacher at an at-risk urban youth center, practices yoga and pilates, is known to wear a sari daily because she once dated an indian post-grad, is a practicing buddhist and a non-compromising vegan.   needless to say, all three have graduate degrees from prestigious institutions.   religious, political, etc affiliations were tweaked a little to protect the identities of the inspirations for stefan, richard and helen…

they’re in stefan’s virtual room.  he just posted a link to an article on, say, the teaparty from the nation on his blog or facebook wall.   here is how the essence of the conversation, without the polysyllable words and articulate language, would go:

-oh my god, did you read what palin said?

-oh my god, i can’t believe the words coming out of that woman’s mouth!

-gosh, she is such a ditz..

-they, like, act like they’re there for the people but, i mean, they’re all about themselves?

-check.  i don’t get it– um, like all the disenfranchised masses, i mean they believe in them, right?  despite their best interests?

-no shit.  all double standards.

-oh my god– like all those homophobic evangelist leaders getting caught with gay escorts, tweaking in hotel rooms.  i mean, like, what about them?

-eww, that’s gross…

-i’ll tell you who is not gross: julian


-hell, yeah! he is hot.  i mean, wikileaks…

-yeah, but, that hair?

-too warhol for me…

… continues like this with tons of sardonic chuckles, ewws, “change”, “disenfranchised”, “chavez”, “neo-con”, “palin” and oh my gods sprinkled carelessly for good measure until all are satiated and can go out and stomach their gross capitalist regime..

compare this with bunch of nekkid boys circled around jerking each other off until they can all walk out of the locker room all satiated– i implore you, where is the difference?  liberal blogging and commenting, my friends, is a circle jerk…

i consider myself fairly liberal.  though i consider belonging to one and only one camp to be fatally stupid.  there is sense and wisdom, albeit occasional, on the other side too…  i wouldn’t deny, and would rather adopt those anomalies, instead of shrugging them off because i labeled myself a “liberal”.  that would be stupid.

where we fail, as liberals, is this circle jerk: instead of learning to communicate with the “masses” and getting our point across strongly, we preach to each other until each one of us creams their pants.  we think that, because we’re more “articulate” with larger lexicons, we’re making the strongest points and impact and people would be fools not to be convinced by our polemic.  that is bullshit– the way to get our message across is not through preaching to the choir.  it is through going to the lowest denominator and breaking it down the way he or she would understand.

that is what the other side is doing and that is why they’re getting stronger by the second.  yeah, it may not be noble or it may sound unethical but that is the ground rule of this fight.  it is a dirty fight… and wasting time, jerking each other off, will get us no where..

…times just reported the virgin of wisconsin in a brilliantly captioned article: “Wisconsin on the Map to Pray With Mary” (caps are theirs, ain’t mine)….  “wisconsin on the map to pray with mary”?  times, really?

turns out it is another catholic roadside attraction.  vatican builds and validates ’em as often as broke countries print money…

with the currency of catholicism at an all time low, thanks to child molestation scandals, a shady, shady pope, technology and science it cannot keep up with- and no longer can deny, and a western hemisphere population getting smarter and better educated, therefore less believing by the second, vatican of course turned to the third world, especially africa and south america, where the population is still desperate, and unfortunately not educated enough to believe unconditionally and unquestionably…

the vatican, in addition to the third-world, also turned to the good old US of A– interestingly, ours is the only developed country in the world where the number of believers and the strength of religion is increasing.   it is not mind boggling at all– actually it makes perfect sense: religions’ breeding grounds are pain, suffering, desperation, isolation and depression.   no one turns to JC or any other super hero because of their happiness– they turn to them because of their misery.

of course the good ole US of A is a wonderful breeding ground for any religious virus– with our collective discontent, depression, meaningless & isolated lives, most americans hit the bible as often as they hit their prozac bottles, trying to make sense of it all.  pity, actually…

read the article– about the shrine, the hovering blonde, surrounded in light, above the trees, pilgrimages and group prayers, the love offerings and self-sacrifice: reads no different than pagan rituals.  of course there is no human sacrifice, etc, but is there much difference?  what makes nigerian voodoo priests boiling and eating severed penises for strength any different?  or sticking pins in a doll instead of lighting candles and building shrines?  or casting spells instead of reciting 25 hail mary’s..  the only difference is one is legitimate and widespread, hence accepted, the other is an exception and a rarity, hence shunned as occult.  if you look at its essence, it is the same shit…

if you read, in the times, about a sect in papua new guinea who is worshipping a tree and sacrificing animals for it, you would shrug them off as a cult of indigents who doesn’t know any better.  or as pagans.  or as whatever.  but what is the difference between them and hordes of catholics pilgrimaging up to wisconsin with the hopes of seeing a blonde circled in light hovering over a tree?

speaking about mary- actually kudos to the catholic church for recruiting and milking her like a hacked credit card.  they were eons away from the madison avenue and apple company in reaching a female demographic.  like apple making technology sexy and appealing for female consumers, catholic church made religion appealing to female consumers with mary.  long before the terms demographics and target audience entered our lexicon.

protestants tried (and still try) with a sexy and loving JC.  but mary– that was the mastercard’s priceless campaign for the middle ages.  all women can relate to mary.  all women would want to build shrines to mary.  instead of some dude.

granted, it was not an original idea of the catholic church– ancient religions had hera.  when gods became male, they had to recruit female audiences with strong female models– hence the mother goddess, kybele, sibelius, whatever you may call her, became the wife of zeus.  an old targeted marketing trick from way back.  but the catholics took it to a whole different level by pushing mary.  what can i say, congratulations…

december 25– happy birthday mithras! mithras, also known as mithra, was a pagan god, born on december 25th, to save the world from evil.  his teachings were based in duality– competing forces of good and evil.  the chess game of god and devil.  heaven and hell.  his was a “virgin birth”, he offered salvation through him to his followers and his day of celebration and worship was sunday.  sounds familiar?

because his was a hugely influential religion, when christianity was being written/ created, many of the mithraic traditions were appropriated and mithras’ name was changed into jesus of nazereth.  same guy, same myth, different name…  so happy birthday mithras– at least you’re the more ancient, hence senior, myth/ legend…

at the end of the day it is all myths, legends, and assorted bullshit…  but, it tickles me to follow the evolution of traditions and here is the tradition behind christmas folks.  of course there is a huge body of writing against this but that is only natural:  now we’re venturing into the circle jerk territory by iterating the obvious truth but it is absolutely necessary: only believers are, by their very definition, insecure in their beliefs.  the more diehard they’re in their beliefs, the more insecure they’ll be.  if you are not obsessed by a “belief”, you can discuss it rationally and revise or thrash it as necessary.  however, if you’re obsessed with a belief, like any “true believer”, then every word, may it be fact or opinion, is a threat to your belief and must be defended against rigorously, without any rhyme or reason.  that is what happened to mihtras and that is how the story behind this myth and his importance was marginalized and bastardized.

of course, the funny thing is, it was just a myth, just like JC, mosey moses, noah & his boys, the talking snake and the sparerib which begat eve…  but, when you build your entire life and justify your entire existence on a 1800 year old myth, which, any child can tear to pieces intellectually, of course any other competing myth, or any myth that may have begat your myth, is a serious threat and must be attacked viciously.

anyhow, all i wanted to say was “happy birthday mithras!”– december 25th and this silly tradition of christmas and worshipping on sundays and eternal salvation was your shtick but it was appropriated from you.   i would have said “sorry”, but, actually, i don’t give a flying fuck– it is the same tired story of salvation with different names and slightly different legends.  sorry mr. l. cohen but “let us compare mythologies” ain’t any different than let’s compare the size of our dicks…  same organ, same function, different colors and shapes– just like mythologies/ religions– same core beliefs, same function, different myths and rituals– that’s all…

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